Guilt
by x-homeiswheretheheartis-x
Summary: James had had everything before the summer, but everything had been torn from him in a day. He no longer knew what to do. Warnings: Self-harm and depressing thoughts. Please don't read if you are triggered by these things. Slight Jily. M to be safe.


**A/N : This is a very angst and depressing story**

**Disclaimer : Nothing to do with the Harry Potter series has anything to do with meeeee **

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He cried. He couldn't help it.

James knew that he shouldn't cry, and he also knew that he must have done something to continue getting this sort of reaction from the Slytherins, but he couldn't do anything. He felt helpless, worthless. He didn't know what to do anymore…

He was 17, kind and probably one of the most good looking people in all of Hogwarts, but James Potter just couldn't see it anymore. He had once been cocky and arrogant and everyone had liked him. Even the Slytherins didn't make his life too miserable, as they knew what he could do to them. But, his life was different now.

His parents had died during the summer before seventh year, and James had had to watch the cruel, evil Death Eaters murder his parent. He had nightmares and he was no longer the happy, carefree boy that everyone at Hogwarts were used to. He had received his Hogwarts letter a couple of weeks after his parents' death, and had found out that he was Head Boy. Usually people were over the moon with knowing this sort of news, but all James could think about was how his parents would never know, about how they would never be proud of him.

He hadn't contacted any of his friends during those horrible weeks, and he felt completely alone in the huge house that he lived in. He had no other family, so he couldn't go and live with them, and he was too scared of the pity that his friends would give him, so he stayed in his house, barely able to look after himself.

When he turned up at platform 9¾ he thought that everyone would stare at him, that everyone would know exactly what happened during the summer, but they didn't and this was the start of him getting better, or so he thought. He didn't want the pity. He wanted to move on with life while still remembering his wonderful mother and father with all the fondest of memories that they had together over his 16 years of life.

His friends had smiled at him, more than likely knowing exactly what he wanted. Knowing that he didn't want all of the attention on him.

He thought that he had been moving on from the tragic summer that he had. He also thought that his scary habit was behind him. He hadn't done 'it' for weeks, and yet with tears falling like a waterfall from his hazel eyes, he felt like it was the right thing to do, like he _needed_ it…

James and Lily had become friendly with each other within the first couple of weeks of school due to the fact that they had to work together as the Head Boy and Head Girl, and they had slowly developed a friendship that many people had trouble understanding. Yet, they had both helped each other when they needed help the most, especially when Lily's own father had died in a car accident a couple of weeks before Christmas. James couldn't help but love her. She wasn't perfect, but no one ever was and all of her imperfections were what made her who she was and he never wanted her to change.

He had never been frightened of the Slytherins before the summer, but when he came back to Hogwarts they began to torment him every day. He may have still been popular, but the social standings of the school had been pushed away, and fear was what overcame the school ever since Voldemort became more known. The Slytherins would gang up on him when he was alone, and ask him about his "bitch of a mother" and "bastard of a father". They would ask him how it was to watch them suffer. This brought the memories back and became the sole cause of his nightmares. It also made him feel guilty and made James question whether he could have done anything to stop the Death Eaters. This is how his 'habit' came about.

They had been worse that evening. They had pushed him into a wall, and he was sure that he would have a large bruise from where his body collided with the stone wall of the castle. They kicked his legs from under him and made a ring around him. He knew that he couldn't escape them. They kicked him and spat at him until he couldn't keep the tears from falling. Then came the taunting, the words that made him feel sick to the stomach, the insults about his parents, about his friends, about his… Lily. He couldn't handle it.

They left him there, his nose bleeding and his body bruised all over, but that wasn't what hurt the most. He felt the pain of his parents' death the most after these meetings with the Slytherins, and through the pain he felt that familiar itch, that itch to hurt himself for what he let happen to his parents.

He ran as well as he could from the empty corridor back to his private dorm, somehow managing to avoid Lily as he ran through the Head's common room. He locked his door, and rummaged through his school bag for his potions knife. He hadn't had a night like this for weeks, and he was scared, but he carried on. He took the blade and watched the dimming light outside reflect off it. He placed the blade on his wrist, and watched as a small line appeared.

He made another incision and watched as this deeper cut let a bead of blood loose to roll down his arm. His tears carried on flowing, but the pain in his chest stopped hurting so much. He made another cut, another, another, until his left arm was covered in the scarlet liquid. He touched it, and it stung. It stung so much that it burned, and he sobbed, knowing that he deserved this pain. Knowing that he cause more pain than this to his parents.

He heard his door knob rattle and he instantly knew that it was Lily.

"James!" she called. He was scared, he didn't know what to do. His breathing was so ragged that Lily would be able to hear him, even through the thick wooden door.

"James, is everything okay? James!"

"Y-yeah, I-I'm - umm - okay" he stuttered. He knew that Lily would tell that something was wrong. She wasn't stupid. She would be able to make her way through the door with a simple charm. He hadn't thought of that in his haste to rid himself of his pain.

"I'm worried, let me in, please? You're not okay, I can tell… Please James…" James could hear how scared she was, her voice quivered, and it made him feel even more guilty.

"No!" he couldn't let her see him like this. He wasn't supposed to do things like this, however much he thought it helped.

He heard her mumble the spell, and he had yet to clean anything. The blood still covered his arm and the floor, but he couldn't do anything, Lily was already in the room.

"James! Oh my God, James…" she cried when she saw him sat on the floor staring at his arm as the tears rolled steadily down his pink cheeks.

She got a damp towel from the bathroom and helped clean James up. Her hand were shaking. She didn't know what else to do, so she held him. She held him as he cried into her arms and she vowed that she would do anything that she could to help him.

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**A/N : Thank you for reading, and please review:)**

**Also not sure if I want to carry this on and add another couple of chapters or leave it as a one shot. Tell me what you think! Thanks again! **


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